It hurts... wanting to be touched... to be felt... to be loved... the feeling of shame holds me back... keeps me from my longing... every look in the mirror is a stab at my mind... like a long sharp knife sinking into my heart... i hate myself yet I do nothing to change... is it self pity... is it lazyness... no... there is no words for what i am doing to myself... the reason is even lost on me... the willpower has evaporated into nothing... you threaten to leave... you... the most important thing in my life... my life... I would die without you... the breathe would leave my body and i would cease to exist... yet nothing... i do nothing... why?... what is wrong with me... does this prove my longing to die rather than be loved?... the only thing that makes me happy is you... the only thing that makes me sad is me... i need to change... i need to sacrifice... i need to throw everything ive ever known into extinction... why is it so hard to make a choice?... laugh or cry... give or take... live or die... it should be so easy... its not...

I've started my life changing mind altering crazy diet, in case anyone cares ...hahaha... I have made a plan for myself for this year and in this plan I have 4 months to achieve it. Who knows if it will ever happen but I guess I will try... Heres the plan... In 4 months I want to lose 45 pounds... As I calculated that is about 2.9 give or take pounds a week... Thats gonna be real tough. I know I would probably need professional help to be able to do that steadily but I don't have the resources nor the money for that so I plan on doing this the old fashion way... starving myself and lots of exercise. I have an exercise routine that lasts about 45 mins that I am going to to 4 to 5 times a week maybe two times a day some days depending on how in pain I am and I plan on eating minimal or healthy foods. The way I see it is if I can just get to my goal weight after this year which happens to be more then 45 pounds less then I will be happy and not so depressed anymore. I'm going to keep a private log of the foods I eat during the day and the exercise I do to maintain what I have to lose and hopefully that will make it easier not to cheat on what I have to do... Who knows... I could definitly fail miserably at this as I have many times before but i feel that something bad is going to happen either to my body or mind or maybe both if I don't do this... and do it now!! I hate myself and Its really damaging my relationship and my friendships and my work and everything in my life right now and its got to stop! wish me luck... I can use as much as I can get...

thinspiration:

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die..... Maybe. ~Denis Leary


~~Death is Gods way of saying... "your fired".

~~Suicide is your way of saying to God.... "you can't fire me... I quit!".

I saw another one today. I was standing at the end of my hallway contemplating getting a drink from the kitchen. I looked down the hall and saw it. Dark, standing no higher then 4 feet. Just standing. I couldn't make out a face. It was very dark. A little light shown in from the window behind it and it blocked nearly 90% of it. That's the only reason why I knew it was there. I couldnt move. I hate that. I hate that so much. What if it came forward? What if it moved? I don't know what I'd do then. I guess I could run into the bathroom. But then what? stay in there till Mike woke up? yeah right... How stupid I would feel... I couldnt blink. I kept thinking of this little movie I saw on the computer once of a face that kept getting closer and closer. It was creepy. But I thought that if I blinked it would get closer and I wouldnt even notice it until it was to close for me to run. But then there was the light. It was gone, and I actually watched it disappear. Even tho I could see the light again and I knew it was gone I could still feel it for some reason. Usually that feeling, the feeling of a presence the feeling of eyes watching, goes away but this time it didn't. I didn't want to see it again so I ran. Not backwards but forward into my room. I don't know why I feel safe in my room. It's just as dark. But unlike every other room in that house I never once got those feelings. Never. Well when the sun comes up everything will be back to normal and I won't even be sure it really happened. I'll tell Mike and it'll sound really stupid and made up even to me. Not that it doesn't already. Oh well...

Im not religious in any way. It takes alot to for me to believe in anything. I don't wish to believe in anything. I guess you can say I was born catholic. My parents brought me to church every now and then for a few years. I even went to catholic school for a period of time off and on in my childhood. I got in alot of trouble asking questions that dared not be asked by someone so inknowledgable and unfaithful as so I was told. I was eventaully taken out of catholic school and put into public. I didnt care much. I have alot of religious friends but I have my own opinions which I prefer to keep to myself. There is no point in arguing such a point as I believe that when it comes to this subject you can talk debate and argue till the end of days but never change anyones mind or opinion because it is prodominatly based on faith and with faith there is no facts to compare or debunk.

This will be my first entry. Don't expect anything awe inspiring. I am not a poet or a writer or an artist. I do not have inspirational thoughts and I certainly dont expect anyone to read or care about these journal posts. I have made this account as an outlet for myself. Somewhere to spill my thoughts as to not hurt or confuse anyone in the real world. Some may be the true me talking some may be the person who I want to be. All will be coming from my head. My own personal thoughts and feelings. They may be sad. They may be serious. They may be happy. They may be self hating. They may be about love and being in love. Who knows? I have things in my life that I want to do. Things that can change me forever and maybe I will try to keep a journal of those things here, as motivation. It never worked before but again, who knows? right? It may seem so insignificant to some people but its very serious to me. It affects every second of my life in thought and mind. We will see. We will see how far I get. I dont know. I may give up. I may write 2 entries and give up. Never open this account again. I hope its not going to come to that. We will see....